


Things that Can't Make Sense

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [22]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 18:57:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13957902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ezra knew going back to the Death Watch base would hurt.  He just didn't think it would hurt this much.





	Things that Can't Make Sense

**Author's Note:**

> warning for: references to child abuse; an abuse victim justifying/downplaying/excusing their abuse; an abuse victim dealing with feelings of attachment to their abuser; that one "what if I turn out just like them" brainthing; references to past canonical character death

Ezra sat beside the boundary line, staring blankly out across the sand.  He didn’t care what Kanan said; the idea of leaving the base without one of the sensors to ward off the spiders made his skin crawl.  Luckily, he had no need to leave right now.

In the three days since they’d returned from the old Death Watch base, Ezra had been spending a lot of his time avoiding the other members of the crew.  All of them had sought him out specifically to let him know they were okay and they didn’t blame Ezra for what had happened.  Even Chopper had heavily smacked Ezra on the shin when he’d tried to apologize.  Ezra knew what they were trying to do, but all it did was make him feel worse, and he didn’t even understand why.

Ever since setting foot on that base again, he’d felt a harsh, unrelenting pain in his chest like someone had stuck a knife between his ribs.  He was sure Maul had known that forcing Ezra to return there would cause something like this.  He’d wanted to drag up old memories and open old wounds.  He’d wanted to bring back Ezra’s feelings of homesickness and that confusing emptiness.  He’d known going back there would get inside Ezra’s head.  He had to know.  Why else would he have chosen that place?

As Ezra sat there, he heard the soft crunching sound of footsteps in the sand behind him.  Kanan sat down beside him, his warm presence wrapping around Ezra like an arm around his shoulders.

“How are you holding up?” Kanan asked.

“I’m…” Ezra gave a small sigh and shrugged.  “I don’t know.”

“I know how hard going back there must have been for you,” Kanan said.

“You have no idea,” Ezra said, his voice hollow as he ran a finger through the sand at his feet.

“You’re right,” Kanan said.  “I’m sorry.  There’s no way I could --”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Ezra said.  “I just -- _I_ don’t even understand it.”

“If you think it would help to talk about it, I’m always here,” Kanan said.

“Going back there was like…I don’t know how to explain it,” Ezra said.  “I never wanted to see that place again, but…I grew up there, Kanan.  So many terrible things happened to me there.  _He_ did so many terrible things to me.  But it was still -- it was _home_ and there was -- not everything that happened there was bad.”

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, wishing it was long enough that he could give it a satisfying, not-quite-painful tug.

“I told you, it’s…” he shook his head, not knowing what to say.

“Do you remember, not too long after you first join the crew, you said something like that?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “You didn’t take it too well.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “And I’m still so sorry for that.  But I understand what you’re trying to say.”

“I want to just hate him,” Ezra said.  He rested his forehead on his knees, his hands coming up to cover the back of his neck, his nails digging into his skin.  “I know Jedi shouldn’t -- we’re not supposed to --”

“Ezra,” Kanan said, cutting him off and putting a comforting hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “It’s okay.  There’s a difference between hating someone and letting hatred drive your actions.  And after everything he did to you, I’d be surprised if you didn’t hate him.”

“But I don’t,” Ezra said.  “That’s my point.  I mean, I _do_ hate him, but not the way that I should.”

He straightened up, his hands moving to the ground, his fingers digging into the sand.

“There’s so much I haven’t told you about what he did,” he said, “and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but he still -- if it wasn’t for him, I might be dead right now.  I was just barely surviving when he found me, and he took me away from that.”

“So he could use you,” Kanan said.

“I know,” Ezra said, even as he wondered just how true that was.  For years, he’d thought that Maul truly cared about him, but now he didn’t know how much was real and how much was a lie to keep him under Maul’s control.  “But he still got me off the streets.”

Kanan stayed silent and Ezra couldn’t tell if he was angry or if he just didn’t know what to say.

“I hate that I think about it like that,” Ezra said, “but I can't help it.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “It took me a long time to understand it from your perspective, but I do now.  The way you saw it when you were a kid, you thought he saved you.”

“I thought…” Ezra’s voice trailed off for a moment as he stared down at the ground, at the bright, shining flecks made by the sun glinting off the sand.  “I thought a lot of things that don’t make any sense, like…”

He shook his head.  He didn’t know where that thought had come from, but he didn’t want it.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Kanan said.  “But you don’t have to.”

“For years, he was --” the words caught in Ezra’s throat.  Somehow, at the same time, he didn’t want to admit it, but desperately wanted to say it, to get it out of him and throw it away and maybe Kanan would even tell him he was wrong and he’d have a reason never to think these words again.  “He was the closest thing I had left to family.”

Kanan’s momentary silence as he took in what Ezra had said felt like an eternity as Ezra waited for his reaction, desperately wishing he could unsay what he’d said.

“Ezra,” Kanan finally said, “he wasn’t --”

“I know,” Ezra said quickly, shrinking in on himself and flinching away like he was afraid Kanan would hurt him for what he’d said.  “I know he’s not my family.  I _know_ but he was -- he --”

Ezra slammed the heels of his hands against his forehead, letting out a growl of frustration.

“None of this makes any sense, Kanan,” he said.  “I just want it to make sense.  I want to know what I feel and I want to understand it and I _can't._ ”

“It’s okay,” Kanan said, his hand resting on Ezra’s back, making slow, soothing circles over his shoulder.

“He’s going to come back,” Ezra said.  “That explosion and you escaping, it stopped him from being able to keep me this time, but he’ll try again and when he does -- I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this, Kanan.”

“Please don’t give up, Ezra,” Kanan said.  “We’ll find a way to get through this.”

“I’m not giving up,” Ezra said.  “I just --”

He moved closer to Kanan, leaning his head against his shoulder with a sigh so heavy his whole body shook.  He’d meant what he’d said to Maul before they opened the holocrons.  He wanted everything to be over.  The war, Maul’s relentless pursuit of him, his fight to keep the darkness at bay, everything.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push everything out of his mind and just let himself be there with Kanan.  But that deep, dull ache in his chest just wouldn’t go away.

“You know he had a brother?” Ezra said before he could stop himself.  “He used to say sometimes, not a lot, but sometimes, that he didn’t want what happened to him to happen to me.  And sometimes I don’t know if he really cared or if he was just trying to make me think he did.”

Kanan slid his arm around Ezra’s shoulders, holding Ezra tightly.

“I wish I could tell you,” Kanan said.  “What happened to him?”

“Sidious killed him,” Ezra said, his voice empty of all emotion.

“Can I ask why you told me that?” Kanan asked.

“Because…” Ezra took a deep, shuddering breath as he tried to get the words into the right places in his head.  “Because Maul was hurt by his master, and so was I.  Maul got his brother killed, and then I almost got all of you killed.  I’m -- I’m like him, and we both just keep repeating the past.”

“You didn’t almost get us killed,” Kanan said, his arm tightening around Ezra’s shoulders.  “This wasn’t your fault, and you are nothing like him.  And I will keep telling you that until you can believe it.”

“I want to believe you,” Ezra said.  “It’s just -- it’s not easy.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But just because he trained you doesn’t mean you’ll turn out like him.”

His hand lifted off of Ezra’s shoulder and gently ruffled his hair.

“Besides,” he said.  “Everyone knows Hera’s the one you take after.”

“Sure,” Ezra said with a small laugh.  For a second, the weight lifted off his chest, and he was just there, with Kanan holding him, and he could almost pretend they were a safe, happy, and _normal_ father and son.  It didn’t last long, and that weight settled back over Ezra again as quickly as it had vanished, but it felt just a bit lighter with Kanan there to help carry it.


End file.
